Feb. 14, 2001 11:51AM
Have you ever wished something was so, so much that you start to pretend as though it was, even though you knew better? I've been at that point lately, where I so wish I had someone special in my life that I find myself wanting to do special things for guys who aren't yet at that special level. I want to randomly send flowers, or perhaps a box of chocolates, yet I've never even met the guy in real life.
And sure, I'm hesitant after being burned by that "Scott" guy in South Bakersfield, but still, it's like I so want someone in my life on whom I can focus my attention, on whom I can dote, that I don't even care.
And yet, the cerebral part of me knows that if anything were to ever happen with someone, I shouldn't start it off on the wrong, "artificial" foot. So, instead, I do nothing. I want the sentiment to go from me to him specifically, and not from me to him generic.
So, who knows... Mom and Dad arrive from Santa Maria tomorrow to visit "argue" with me. I'm sure once the ball gets rolling on that, it'll take most of my attention. I've got a personal ad running in Bakersfield now, too. Hopefully it'll garner some new friends. Things will change. How they turn out, I guess we'll see.
7:50PM
With each passing day, I more and more realize just how much of a rarity I am, and instead of being elated that I really am one in a million, I feel exactly like that; one in a million.
No one seems to be at my level... and I say that without one iota of bragging. I say it with desperation, near the point of tears, fearful that I'll never find a match. I don't think my situation is that unique, nor that my parents were that different, yet I can find no one on the same page. Today, "David" fucked up royally. Tonight, a guy I'd been talking to online let me down. Why is it that when someone surprises me positively, it's over something stupid, like a vase, yet when someone surprises me typically, negatively, it's over human interaction, over relationships, and has long term effects.
I mean, I don't think my expectations are that high, and I hold no one else to standards which I don't hold myself... yet no one seems to meet those standards. I am not a saint. I don't even view myself as that extraordinary. But tonight I feel like there's not a kindred spirit anywhere. Not a match at all... and instead of being proud that I'm special, I just feel incredibly alone.
(Names have been change to protect privacy of others)
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